De-construction of a Masterpiece!!

In the same spirit as the guys from Mystery Science Theater and the former FJM bloggers, I thought that it would be a stellar idea to put some additional scrutiny on the A-Rod press conference from this week, if for no reason other than there is some quality comedy to be found. These are actual excerpts from the press conference.


“First, bear with me I’m a little nervous or a lot nervous. So bear with me”


Ok, if he doesn’t know how nervous he is, can he really be credible in the rest of this interview?!


Here’s what I remember: as I discussed with Peter Gammons in the years 2001, 2002 and 2003, I experimented with a banned substance that eventually triggered a positive test.


I don’t think that fiddling [experimenting] with your C3000 Home Chemistry Set randomly triggered a positive drug test. Perhaps sticking a needle in you repeatedly that contained a performance enhancing drug during a year where your union told you that testing would take place triggered a positive test!


“In September of 2004, I had a meeting with Gene Orza, during that meeting he explained to me that I had been among the players where people might conclude that I had tested positive.


WHAT?! I’m among the people that people might conclude that I had tested positive?!?!?! First, the grammar is terrible, but I’ll look past it. What do you mean “people might conclude that I tested positive”?! YOU TESTED POSITIVE!!! Oh, but I’m glad that you repeatedly talk about coming clean during this presser…


I think it is important to note that the tests that were taken in 2003 were requested and voted by players to determine the extent of a drug problem in Major League Baseball.


Check “random suck-up to the Union” off the list of irrelevant comments to make during this interview… Or is he further proving that he’s dumb by pointing out that he voted in favor of this and then used anyway. And is that like voting for a war before you voted against it? I digress….


Going back to 2001, my cousin started telling me about a substance that can be purchased over the counter in the DR (Dominican Republic). In the streets it’s known as “boli.”


Over the counter… over the trunk of an ’83 Crown Vic… same thing. And why do over-the-counter items only go by a street name… weird.

It was his understanding that it would give me a dramatic energy boost and was otherwise harmless.


That’s what I’ve heard about PCP too!

My cousin and I, one more ignorant than the other, decided it was a good idea to start taking it. My cousin would administer it to me, but neither of us knew how to use it properly providing just how ignorant we both were. It was at this point, we decided to take it twice a month for about six months. During the 2001, 2002 and 2003 seasons, we consulted no one and had no good reason to base that decision. It was pretty evident we didn’t know what we were doing.


We had no idea what we were doing so we worked out a detailed plan for 6 months, liked the results and continued this plan for 2+ years…

On if SI hadn’t revealed his steroid use, would he have come forward: “I haven’t thought about that much. The fact is it came out and the fact is it did come out and I am here to share my story, put out there and hopefully I can put this behind me and my teammates don’t have to carry the burden of answering all the questions for me.”


Translation: HECKNO!!!!!!


On why he stopped when he came to New York: “I was curious. Like I said in Peter’s interview, I was young. I was 24, 25 years old.


Alex… you were born in 1975 and said you did it starting in the middle of ‘01… you were 26-27…which isn’t terribly young in baseball.





On whether it was pill form or injected: “Injected.”


I just like needles. I couldn’t tell if it helped, but it was too much fun to quit doing!


On if he thinks he cheated: “That’s not for me to decide. I’m here to say that I’m sorry. I’m here to say in some ways I wish I went to college and had an opportunity to grow up and at my own pace. I guess when you are young and stupid you are young and stupid. And I’m guilty of both those.”


Um… wouldn’t you be most qualified to determine if you cheated? And if you didn’t, then why are you apologizing?! And now because you had to grow up too fast by getting to play baseball for a living, that caused you to do ‘roids 8 years later? Oh, wait, that does make sense. Let’s move on…


On cousin’s name and who transported substance from Dominican to United States: “Same person. I’d rather not get into who my cousin is. I’m here to stand front and center and take the blame, because I am responsible for this. He basically took an instruction from me and felt he was doing something that was going to be helpful, not hurtful. I really don’t think his name is relevant at this point.”


We actually agree… his name is irrelevant. However, if you are taking the blame, why did you say earlier that he brought it up to you and suggested it?


On how parents should talk to their kids, since he profited from this: “I’m sorry to the parents. I feel like this happened than for much bigger reasons than baseball. And I think God has put me in a position, a forum, where I can be heard and my voice can be heard.


I’m going to go out on a limb and say that your cheating little rear put you in a position with a forum where your voice can be heard pseudo-admitting to using drugs.

And I hope that kids would not make the same mistake that I made. I hope to join Don Hooton who’s done some incredible things. His son passed away because of steroid abuse. I know this isn’t the time or the forum to talk about what I intend or plan to do, but I do plan to do. I’ve had several conversations with Don and MLB to basically to anti-steroid message to kids all over the country.”


Read this again: “I know this isn’t the time or the forum to talk about what I intend or plan to do, but I do plan to do.”

And again: ““I know this isn’t the time or the forum to talk about what I intend or plan to do, but I do plan to do.”

…I really don’t think I need to say anything.


On if he knew what he was doing steroids: “I didn’t think they were steroids. That’s part of being young and stupid. It was over the counter, it was pretty basic and it was really amateur hour. It was two guys who couldn’t go outside, who couldn’t ask anyone, didn’t want to ask anyone. We went outside team doctors, team trainers. It was two guys doing a very amateur and immature thing. We probably didn’t even take it right. Like I said in my statement we used to do it about two times a month. I don’t even know if that was proper. So when this gentleman asked me about how it affected us – I’m not sure we even did it right to affect us in the right way. All these years, I never thought I had done anything that was wrong. And come to find out that bole triggered a positive test in ’03.”


…zzzzz, what?! I only caught the end… did he just imply that he didn’t know about the positive test in ’04 when he said he would have been perceived as testing positive?!


On why he didn’t do more research on what he was taking: “I wish I knew, I was 24, 25. I was pretty naive and pretty young. Initially I was curious to just give it a try.”


I’m still stuck by the fact that he was 26+ but he just can’t seem to grasp it. If only he’d been allowed to go to college!


On if his home-run record would be tainted: “I’m trying to get by today. It’s been a difficult several weeks and it’s been very painful for me and my family. I’m here to take my medicine. As far as anything that has to do with today or the past, it’s really hard to get myself in that mindframe. I’m sure there will be a lot of debates and there will be a lot of questions about everything I did in that period.”


Wait… didn’t taking your “medicine” get you in this mess in the first place?!


On if he didn’t know what he was doing was wrong, why was he so secretive: “That’s a good question. I knew we weren’t taking Tic Tacs. I knew what we were taking was potentially something that perhaps was wrong. I really didn’t get into the investigation, perhaps like I would’ve. I wouldn’t imagine doing something like that today. It’s a different world, a different culture. When you are 24, 25 there are a lot of things, you don’t tell a lot of people, not just that. You don’t want to share everything you do with the public. That was just one of those things that I decided to not really share with anyone.”


What? You mean I shouldn’t have been shooting up Tic Tac’s all these years?! And for the record… he’s still not 24…


On if he has considered to submitting to even more drug testing than players usually get: “My style is not to challenge anything. I think the system in place is really good. I think MLB has made some incredible strides and I think it’s a different game today than it was 10-15 years ago or even seven years ago. I think numbers across the board prove that. I will say ’06 was a blood test and next week was another blood test for the WBC. That’s as good as it gets.”


My style is to not challenge anything… like the notion that shooting up is a good idea!!


On why he was dishonest about steroids with Peter Gammons: “The thing is when a reporter came into the gym, maybe 38 to 40 hours before, I thought it was important to come out and get the truth out there early and be forthright. As far as all the details, I didn’t want to speak from a position of non-factual. I thought I was putting myself out there already with saying the truth. Over the last nine days, I’ve sat down with my cousin and we’ve had several conversations – here are the facts, nine days later. I wasn’t prepared to say that when I sat down with Peter. But I really didn’t remember, it was a long, long time ago.


“Mr. Rodriguez, what you just said is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point in your incoherent rambling response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. We are all now dumber for having had listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul!!” (credit to Billy Madison…)


On why we should believe him now, after he lied to CBS and ESPN: “I may have to answer for the rest of my career, that’s the position I’ve put myself in. I reached out to Katie (Couric) about 10 days ago. When you are in denial and you’re not being honest with yourself it’s hard to be honest with Katie. That was a part of me that thought since I hadn’t heard about it for five years that there was a chance it was okay. There was a lot of that stuff going on and I am here to tell my story.”


Hey self… you are a tall skinny man with lots of hair and a physique like Lebron James! Nope… it’s still not easy to lie to myself. It’s a lot easier to lie to other people!


On if his stats during 2001, 2002, 2003 should still count: “That’s not for me to decide. The one thing that I can lay my head on the pillow at night is I entered this game when I was 18. I had my best year when I was 20 and had my other best year in 2007. That’s foul pole to foul pole is pretty good. I understand the questions and the doubt. I laid in my bed and I’m going to have to sit on it. I’m here to take my medicine. “


Ok so let’s do this one at a time:

“The one thing that I can lay my head on the pillow at night is I entered this game when I was 18”; – HUH?!

“That’s foul pole to foul pole is pretty good”; – Huh?!

Ah, but my favorite:

“I laid in my bed and I’m going to have to sit on it” Congratulations!!! You are going to the Hall of Fame!! The Botched Cliché Hall of Fame Welcomes You!!!

Oh and enough with the medicine references Alex…really.


Categories: Baseball

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