(Editor’s Note: This week began as The Swami staggered into the office, eyes extremely bloodshot, still wearing his Atlanta Falcons #7 Jersey [where he replaced Michael Vick’s name on the nameplate with Browning Nagle’s] mumbling under his breath about turnovers and covering the Tight End. The staff considers it a great success that a column has even been completed this week.)
More media personnel have descended on New Orleans for this year’s Super Bowl than any year before. What does this mean? It means that if you want to hear lots of stories about the Harbaugh brothers, Ray Lewis, or Justin Tucker’s dog’s tattoo parlor, you will definitely be able to find them. So what can you expect to get from this column? Predictions and random information… they are what we do best here and the budget is tighter than Howard Wolowitz’s pants so we couldn’t actually attend the Super Bowl festivities. So let’s start with…
Random Thoughts Illustrated’s: Information To Make You Sound Like You Know What Is Going On Even If You Don’t Like Football (ITMYSLYKWIGOEIYDLF)
Teams (If you don’t know this, you can’t fake anything else) –
- The Baltimore Ravens won the AFC
- The San Francisco 49ers won the NFC
Coaches (Yep…They are related…that may come up) –
- John is the slightly more reserved older brother who has coached longer, didn’t play in the NFL, and works for the Ravens
- Jim is the zealous younger brother who previously coached at Stanford, was a QB in the NFL, was the first QB ever sacked by Ray Lewis, and works for the 49ers
Quarterbacks (The’ll be on T.V. a lot) –
- Joe Flacco – Drafted by Baltimore out of the University of Delaware, has won as many playoff games on the road as any quarterback in NFL history, is not under contract with Baltimore after this season, and helped defeat Peyton Manning and Tom Brady to get to the Super Bowl.
- Colin Kaepernick – Drafted by San Francisco out of the University of Nevada, took over mid-season and has a 7-2 record as the starting QB for the 49ers, is fast, has helped elevate his tattoo artist from a poor talented 1st generation immigrant from the Philippines to A-list tattoo artist to the stars with a 3 month waiting list, is really fast, and crushed the Swami’s beloved Falcons to make the Super Bowl coming from 17 points down on the road.
Mid-Year Changes (They were significant) –
- Baltimore – Fired their offensive coordinator late in the season and moved around 4 out of 5 starting offensive linemen…something almost never done in season when there weren’t injuries, especially on a playoff team.
- San Francisco – Changed their Quarterback after a concussion and despite having the highest completion percentage in the NFL and the third higher passer rating, Alex Smith never reclaimed his starting job.
Retirement (It’s the dead horse you will see being bludgeoned) –
- You should probably know that Ray Lewis, one of the 10 best linebackers in NFL history, is retiring after the game. (Though I’m still much more sad to see Tony Gonzalez hanging it up).
Halftime (If you are asking if you should care…the answer is no) –
- Let me help you out. If she didn’t sing the National Anthem live when she wouldn’t get winded from dancing, she’s not doing an entire halftime performance without lip syncing either.
That should probably do it for you. With those notes, and as long as you pay attention to the commercials, you should be able to navigate any Super Bowl party you attend. So that brings us to…
Super Bowl XLVII – San Francisco 49ers vs. Baltimore Ravens
Since there is only one game to pick, the folks at Random Thoughts Illustrated thought that it would be a good idea to provide the predictions of multiple sources, so with that plan in mind we scoured the Headquarters for a strong cross-section of our prognosticators and here’s what they have come up with:
The Guru’s Take – San Francisco is taking this 27-21 with Colin Kaepernick winning the Super Bowl MVP and yelling, “I’m going to Disney World… with my tattoo artist and my patent attorney!!”
James’ Choice – Baltimore will win 24-17. When asked why he thinks they are going to win, he replied, “Because I know they are”. Enough said!
The Swamette’s Musing – Baltimore will win 23-16. When asked her logic, she stated, “Because they have really good players…and they are purple!”.
The Homunculus of Hennepin County’s Hope – There are plans here at RTI to use the H of H a bit in the coming months, so it seemed like a good time to introduce him and let him weigh in. San Francisco will win 31-7 with Randy Moss winning the Super Bowl MVP and yelling, “I’m going to Cabela’s to get some Deer Antler Spray!”
Mrs. Swami’s Wisdom – Baltimore will win 17-16. Her explanation, “I like the coach for the Ravens better”. I can’t disagree.
The Moped’s Horn – Sometimes coming up with a fun nickname is enough reason to give someone a prediction! The only question is does he put the MO in moped or does he put the PED in moped?! Anyway. San Francisco 31-26 with Kaepernick winning the MVP and hopping on a Vespa to ride off into the sunset.
The Swami’s Pick – It’s really simple. I picked Baltimore to win the Super Bowl before the season began, so there is no way I am deviating from that now! Baltimore 27-23 with Joe Flacco winning the MVP and yelling, “I’m seriously getting paid in free agency!!!!”
So there you have it! Everything you need to know for this weekend’s big game! Hail to the Victors (hopefully)!