Swami the Magazine: Blockbuster Time

He’s Baaaaaaaaack!! That’s right, somehow in the midst of chaos and craziness The Swami has awoken from hibernation and is back for his Dave Krieg season! (Hint: Krieg wore #17) In truth, ever since the re-emergence of the defending AL Champion Kansas City Royals The Swami has wished that football would honor them by pushing the season back a few weeks, but since they have yet to acquiesce to this suggestion he is ready to go.

Royal Ring

Believe it or not, games start Thursday night and we all know how well The Swami does on Thursdays, right? <queue whoopee cushion sound effect here> But it’s a new year right? Right? <queue The Guru’s maniacal laugh> Oh well, at least all of the games aren’t on Thursday. Before we start the picks, here is your annual reminder of the Swami the Magazine setup:

+ The Swami will pick college football games each week. He adds some level of commentary and/or humor to each matchup.

+ The Guru (the official Brother and Legal counsel of the Swami) will pick one game against the Swami each week after Week 1.

+ James and the Swamettes (the official offspring of the Swami) pick NFL games each week once the NFL season starts.

+ And then periodically we get visits from folks like Mrs. Swami, the Homunculus of Hennepin County, and others just to keep things interesting.

Also, The Swami typically selects a theme for each week and this week is no different. The biggest hit of the summer movie season was Jurassic World, so in honor of that film The Swami has chosen a dinosaur from the film that best exemplifies each matchup:

The Thursday Slate

Ankylosaurus – Alcorn St. v. Georgia Tech – The Ankylosaurus has often been referred to as a living tank and the Alcorn defense is going to feel like a tank rolled over it when the Jackets are done. Georgia Tech 38-10Swarm

Indominus Rex – Michigan v. Utah – The genetically altered dino-hybrid of doom from the film is the best fit for this, the best matchup of the weekend. The return of Jim Harbaugh has made Michigan fans feel as unstoppable as the Indominus, but Utah plans to play the role of <Redacted Spoiler>. However, the Swami believes that Rex will be king. *Note the bigger and louder portion of the ad. Definitely seem fitting for the new era at the Big House! Michigan 27-24

Indominus

Stegosaurus – TCU v. Minnesota – If there had been a horned frog in the movie it would have been perfect. Steggy is consistent and doesn’t disappoint. I expect this matchup to not disappoint. The most intriguing part of it is that it’s at The Bank v.1 instead of deep in the heart of Texas. Oh, and the coach of Minny is named KILL! I’m taking the Gophers to cover the spread. Minnesota +17

*Editor’s Note: The Homunculus of Hennepin County pointed out that the new intern was using stale prices from a questionable source at the time the article was published. The spread was correctly updated at 2:49pm CDT on Thursday, Sept. 3rd.

Gopher

The Rest

Tyrannosaurus Rex – Ohio St. v. Virginia Tech – This is the Monday Night Football matchup for the week and Urban Meyer is definitely as imposing as a T-Rex. Everyone has handed a Fast Pass to Ohio State to get to the playoffs, which seems a little premature, but this guy isn’t about to say that changes week 1. Ohio State 42-21

TRex

Apatosaurus – Wisconsin v. Alabama – The Apatosaurus is bigger than almost all of the other dinosaurs. Kind of like Alabama. Not like Nick Saban. Alabama 35-14

saban

Suchomimus – Notre Dame v. Texas – It kind of depends on how you pronounce that, but I choose to pronounce it the way that Texas has played in recent years. Just sayin’.  #Burn  Notre Dame 30-17
Texas

Triceratops – Arizona State v. Texas A&M – Triceratops has quietly been the favorite of many people throughout the years and this game could end up being the favorite of the weekend. Some have even suggested that ASU could be a playoff team. Winning week one in College Station is a tall order but it could definitely happen. I, however, will go with A&M in a squeaker. Texas A&M 24-21

A&M

Velociraptor – Auburn v. Louisville – This game is the Raptor?! Yep… ‘Cause it’s the Chick-fil-a kickoff game and I look like a Raptor when I eat Chick-fil-a. Auburn 30-21

Raptor

Dimorphodon – Virginia v. UCLA – This is an aggressive flying dino, and UCLA is going to tear up Virginia. Bruins 45-21Bruins

PteranodonStanford v. Northwestern – The smart schools know it’s easier to get away from predators when you can fly. Expect Stanford to fly high as a Redwood tree. #SeeWhatIDidThere  Stanford 27-17

Redwoods at Muir Woods

The Guru’s Take

Is it that time of year already?  The Guru’s life has been a blur the past few months, so he may have lost track of time – but the opportunity to pick a Thursday game against the Swami (Swamish Kryptonite!) is enough to snap the Guru’s picking skills back into place.  What if he told you…there is a Pac-12 team that had a winning conference record last year…had a 9-4 overall record…won their bowl game…and whose coach didn’t mix alcohol and medication and make a fool of himself recently?  Yeah, that swerve at the end means it isn’t USC, it’s Utah!  With a stout running game and returning most of their defensive starters, the Utes look to continue their upward climb in the Pac 12 this year.  Jim Harbaugh will make a difference at Michigan, but not enough in this game.  The Utes [insert My Cousin Vinny reference here] begin with a win.  Utah 30, Michigan 23.

Guru

Until next week… The Swami!!

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