Ladies and gentlemen, eighteen years ago there was a 20 year old that started picking college football games for the purpose of having an outlet for his writing and to attempt to amuse and/or entertain his friends, family, and co-workers. Now, 18 seasons later
he’s writing for ESPN and is nationally beloved he’s basically doing the same thing! There’s something to be said for consistency right?! I’m just kidding. It’s great to be back for season #18 (a.k.a. The Peyton Manning Season) here at StM Studios and the staff is eager to get things started. So let’s get through the preliminaries. Here is your annual reminder of how Swami the Magazine is set up:
+ The Swami will pick college football games each week. He adds some level of commentary and/or humor to each matchup.
+ The Guru (the official Brother and Legal counsel of the Swami) will pick one game against the Swami each week after Week 1.
+ James and the Swamettes (the official offspring of the Swami) pick NFL games each week once the NFL season starts.
+ And then periodically we get visits from folks like Mrs. Swami, the Homunculus of Hennepin County, and others just to keep things interesting.
Also, The Swami typically selects a theme for each week and this week is no different. Actually it’s a hybrid of two themes. First, you will get a classic quote from one of the greatest films of all time… The Princess Bride! Along with that, I will give you the most painful helmet of each winning team that you could possibly see. The helmet of the winning team, but in the colors of their arch rival! 1 part fun, 1 part torture. Something for everyone!!! Now let’s get to the picks!
Kansas State v. Stanford – “You mock my pain.” “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something” – And K-State is going to feel the pain in Week 1. Stanford 31-17
Oklahoma v. Houston – “Have fun stormin’ da castle” “Think it’ll work?” “It would take a miracle” – And while Houston is expected to have a great season this year, it’ll take a miracle for them to take out OU. (Just ignore the fact that in the movie it worked). Oklahoma 34-28
UCLA v. Texas A&M – “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” – Someone told the Bruins that A&M has 6 fingers on their collective left hand. UCLA +3
LSU v. Wisconsin – “Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.” – The good news for LSU fans is that he never killed him in the morning. LSU 27-20
Georgia v. North Carolina – “It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do… Go through his clothes and look for loose change.” Let’s be honest, I just hope that Georgia’s season is mostly dead after this one. North Carolina 24-21
USC v. Alabama – “Inconceivable!” “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” I’ll try to use this correctly. I find the prospect of Alabama losing this game Inconceivable. Alabama 42-24
Clemson v. Auburn – “No more rhymes now, I mean it!” “Anybody want a peanut?” I love that scene. Oh, and the boys from SC take this. Clemson 38-21
Notre Dame v. Texas – “Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons.” Also morons? People who pick college football in Week 1 and expect to be right! Oh, well, we’ll keep going. I’m picking the Domers but if you stop and think about it, a plain helmet in other colors doesn’t do much for you, so I’m going to go ahead and torture Texas fans a little more. Notre Dame 30-24
Ole Miss v. Florida State –“You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – The most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line”!” Here’s hoping Travis Randolph has a great game for the Noles. Florida State 35-28
Georgia Tech v. Boston College – “We’ll never survive”. “Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has”. Neither of these teams have ever gone to Ireland and won a game before, but one of them is going to. Might as well be the Yellow Jackets! Georgia Tech 31-30
The Guru’s Take
After another strong season in 2015, the Guru is champing at the bit to get this season underway. This is an incredible opening slate of games, and starting with an upset pick should be the way to go – especially when IF the Guru is wrong, it means Texas lost. Win-win! Notre Dame throttled the Longhorns in South Bend last year, but Charlie Strong has his team movin’ on up in 2016. With the chance to make a statement at home on national television, the Guru says whomever Strong anoints as the starting QB will be able to move the chains enough for a shocking last-second win. Texas 31, Domers 30
Until next week… THE SWAMI!!
(all images can be found here)