Swami the Magazine: Musical Lumps of Coal

Greetings and welcome to the Conference Championship edition of Swami the Magazine! This week we will spend a LOT of time ignoring how poorly the Swami’s glut of upset picks last week turned out and instead we will focus on what a great 4th quarter comeback Georgia Tech made to take down Georgia on the road! Seriously, the 3rd quarter was abysmal, but to score 14 points in under 7 minutes to take the 1 point victory was just awesome! And for the record, the hedges will look fine by next fall. Quit your wanking UGA.

Anyway, this week will entail many cheers and many tears for fan bases that are still alive. As for the picks this week, the staff has determined that there should be few cheers and many jeers. As Christmas is upon us, the offices are festive and the water cooler has been a location of great debate. The latest topic has been what the worst Christmas songs of all time are. This doesn’t necessarily mean melodically, but much more about the lyrical content and sometimes how well those lyrics line up with the spirit of Christmas. So with each game we have provided a horrendously bad Christmas song as well as a better prediction than last week. So let’s get right to…

The Picks!

Western Michigan v. Ohio – Santa BabyAnalysis: Dear Santa, can you bring me the most expensive stuff ever created and a lot of it? Oh, and I’ll flirt with you to get it. #GreatExample  All Western Michigan wants is to finish undefeated so they have a case for a big bowl game that they can complain about missing out on. W. Michigan 31-24santa-baby

Washington v. Colorado – I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas – Analysis: Aside from sharing the information that Hippos are Herbivores and the comic use of “hippopotamuseses”, there seems to be no reason why this was ever written. #JustWeird  Washington punched me for a lack of faith in them last week, so I’m not doing that twice. Washington 27-24hippo

Western Kentucky v. Louisiana Tech –Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas) – Analysis: Uhhhhh… sure this is a heartfelt plea based in reality, but did you have to make a song about it?! John Denver’s legacy should be tarnished by this song. #Yikes  Uhh… well this is a title game, but we’d be fine if it didn’t happen (kind of like this song). Western Kentucky 24-17denver

Navy v. Temple – Do They Know It’s Christmas – Analysis: I know the point and the cause and that’s all well and good, but it kind of harps on how good you have it vs. those in need. #GoodIdeaPoorExecution  The committee allegedly fears what a Navy conference title would do to the rankings. Here’s hoping we find out! Go Navy, Beat Temple. Navy 30-21do_they_know_its_christmas_single_cover_-_1989

Oklahoma State v. Oklahoma – Last Christmas – Analysis: Does the world really need a Christmas song by Wham! about a scorned Ex that isn’t fully over their old flame?! NO! #Terrible  What’s not terrible? This matchup. State Bragging rights. Outside shot at the Playoff. Conference Title. A bad Mullet. Outrage over an officiating gaffe if OSU misses the Playoff. God Bless Bedlam.  Oklahoma State +11 1/2wham

Alabama v. Florida – All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth – Analysis: Every kid loses their teeth. Every kid deals with a new lisp while they are gone. Exactly ZERO children would rather have their two front teeth than some great toys/games. None. #BadPremise  Frankly, Florida may need their two front teeth back after Alabama gets done bashing them in. Alabama 31-17teeth

Clemson v. Virginia Tech – I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Analysis: Let’s celebrate a cherished holiday by singing about Mom cheating on Dad in their own home with someone who trespasses millions of times in a night. #PutHimInPrison #MommaNeedsToRememberHerVows  Merry Christmas ACC… you’re going to sneak a team into the playoffs again. Clemson 34-28santa_arrested

Penn State v. Wisconsin – Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer – Analysis: WHAT THE?!?! So, let me get this straight. Grandma is a blue-hair who is off her meds and drunk. She gets run over and killed by an elf-loving fat guy being pulled by flying beasts of burden and Grandpa’s not upset at all because he gets to drink beer, play cards, and watch football. And THIS is a proper Christmas song?! #ForTheLove  Wow. That’s as good as a conference title game that’s missing the two best teams in the conference! But since we do not require any smelly Badgers, it’s the Lions roar that gets it done. Penn State 23-16topic-grandma-got-run-over-01

The Guru’s Take

The Guru knows it is nearly impossible for Oklahoma to make the playoff. It would take a blowout of OSU, Colorado barely beating Washington, Wisconsin barely beating Penn State, and Clemson losing to Virginia Tech to even have a realistic chance. But the Guru can still pick one of those games…so say hello to Big Ten champ Wisconsin!  The Badgers and Nittany Lions both play solid defense, both are on long winning streaks, and both have realistic arguments for being the better team. However, the Guru just believes Wisconsin is slightly better and will win the day. The Playoff Committee, though, will still decide they don’t need no stinkin’ Badgers.  Sorry, Bucky!  Wisconsin 23, Penn State 20.

James & the Swamettes

The official offspring of the Swami didn’t want to choose bad Christmas songs for this week’s picks. Instead, they decided that they would choose the Christmas shows that air each year!

Chiefs v. Falcons – How the Grinch Stole Christmas – The words to the songs make this one an annual treat. What’s not a treat? Matching the Swami’s favorite teams in a game they both need to win. James is thinking that the birds will take this at home. Falcons 31-27the_grinch

Lions v. Saints – A Charlie Brown Christmas – Any show that causes a dance party to break out in the living room each year is a keeper. Swamette the Sequel thinks it makes sense that the Lions have uniforms the color of Linus’ blanket. They’ll need it for consolation once the Saints finish them off. Saints 38-35tumblr_lv5lp0nqxr1qe7736o1_500

Texans v. Packers – Frosty the Snowman – Arguably, this is Santa’s finest performance. He drops the hammer when necessary and comes through in the clutch. He’s the real star. Without J.J. Watt, expect the only star for Houston to be on their helmet. Packers 30-24frosty


Until next the Bowl Preview… The Swami!!


Categories: Football

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