Swami the Magazine: House of the Bizarre

Greetings and welcome to another edition of Swami the Magazine. Well, week 1 was… how shall we say… eventful?! Let’s recap this shall we:

  • Texas – The Longhorns began a new coaching era last week. They were at home, a 17 point favorite and the combined over under was 56 points. So what happened? Maryland scored 51 on their own and won by 10. Turns out, sometimes the players could be part of the problem.
  • UNLV – The Runnin’ Rebels wanted to start the season off with a victory and get some reps for a lot of their guys. They called on Howard University from Washington D.C. and paid them $600,000 to come to the desert and lose. Vegas wouldn’t even put a spread on the game, but offshore Howard were 45 point underdogs. So what happened? Howard marched into Vegas, led by the younger brother of one Cam Newton, and handed UNLV a loss and stunned the football world. According to the formula that I cannot explain, Howard had less than a 2% chance to win the game. But there was always a chance!
  • Baylor – The Bears, who frankly have much more important things to worry about right now other than football…but I digress, were predicted to be in the middle of the BigXII-2 so they weren’t expecting a great season. Thankfully they were starting the year with little Liberty University and the Bears had a 97.7% probability to win. But wait! You guessed it… Liberty didn’t get the memo and stunned the green and gold.
  • Florida State – This one isn’t funny or ironic, it’s just a tough blow. FSU knew it had a hard task as they faced Alabama in the first ever week 1 matchup between Top 3 teams. It became much worse when they lost the game as well as their starting QB. After one week FSU’s national championship hopes are done and even their conference championship hopes have taken a big hit.
  • Texas A&M – It really wasn’t a good week for schools in Texas. The Aggies jumped out to a 44-10 lead and most of the country thought they had a marquee win and a great start to their season. But wait! Apparently, that wasn’t enough.  A&M also lost their starting quarterback, which did play a factor here, and UCLA took the opportunity and ran with it. In a shocking turn of events, UCLA scored the go-ahead touchdown on a fake-spike TD pass and A&M’s fans (and Regents) lost their collective mind.

I could go on, but it gets more painful so I won’t. Yet, the craziness served as inspiration for the hard-working folks here at StM for this week’s theme. In keeping with being in the midst of the Decade of the Superhero, the StM staff decided to try to identify some of the strangest or most bizarre superheroes ever created. So with each game, you will get a history lesson about a superhero you are unlikely to ever see on the big or small screen (with two exceptions…see you soon Lockjaw & Squirrel Girl). So with your anticipation building… let’s get to

The Picks!

EDITOR’S NOTE: These are real. None of us could have thought this stuff up.

Oklahoma State vs. South AlabamaHellcow – Dracula bites a cow one night. The cow is dead and buried. The cow returns from the dead as a vampire-cow, yes Hellcow is a vampire cow. Said cow searches the earth for over 300 years for Dracula, in an effort to get revenge, without finding him. Eventually, she ends up in Cleveland and mistakes Howard the Duck for Dracula. A fight ensues and Howard eventually puts a stake through the cow’s heart. SOMEONE THOUGHT THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA!! Anyway, OSU hopes they aren’t left for dead by South Alabama like Mississippi state was last year. Okie State 45-20

Louisville vs. North CarolinaThe Asbestos Lady – So this villain liked to rob banks with a blowtorch. She wore an asbestos super-suit. This also made her a difficult foe for the Human Torch. But guess what… that much exposure to asbestos was her undoing. That’s right, the comic villain got cancer and died from her asbestos suit. Amazing. Thankfully, when UNC switched to the Jordan brand, they confirmed that there is no asbestos in the uniforms. Louisville 30-27

Clemson vs. Auburn Lockjaw – A super-sized talking bulldog who, when he bites down to grab onto someone, doesn’t let go. Ever. This only sounds minimally beneficial, right? Well, Lockjaw can also transport himself over great distances or even dimensions. So basically, if he clamps down on you, you can be sure that you aren’t going to be in Kansas anymore. After getting a taste of the title last year, Clemson doesn’t want to let go and wants to transport another one back to Death Valley. Clemson 34-28

Ohio State vs. OklahomaPuppet Master – Phillip Masters was a puppeteer. He got his hands on radioactive clay. He found that when he made puppets out of radioactive clay, they would come to life. He decided to use this power for evil and became a foe for the Fantastic Four. So, the moral of the story is to not trust puppeteers with radioactive clay and a mean streak. In the end, Ohio State will be able to run through Oklahoma like clay puppets with the game on the line. Ohio State 38-31

Notre Dame vs. GeorgiaThe Matter Eater Lad – From the Planet Bismoll (similar to Pepto?!) the people were affected by a microbe that made their food inedible, so they became able to consume any kind of matter. So this guy’s superhero ability was the ability to eat anything and everything. The Domers are focused on eating right through the Bulldog defense, and since Lockjaw isn’t playing for the pups it seems they should succeed. Notre Dame 27-17

USC vs. StanfordDanny the Street – This may be hard to believe, but Danny the Street is actually a street. Danny is a stretch of road that can teleport anywhere in the world and seamlessly merge himself with any surrounding geography. Danny can also “talk” to anyone who lives on him through window signs and rearranging objects into letters. And we’ll leave it there before we get into his propensity for cross-dressing (I kid you not). The Trojans seem poised to teleport the Cardinal into the loss column in this one. USC 24-17

Georgia Tech vs. Jacksonville StThe Great Lakes Avengers – Mr. Immortal (self-healing, but no skills to fight crime), Flatman (can make himself 2 dimensional), Big Bertha (supermodel that could make herself obese on command), Dinah Soar (voice so high pitched only Mr. Immortal could hear), Doorman (create interdimensional portals through inanimate objects), and Squirrel Girl (could control squirrels and had super strength and speed) made up this odd team. They accomplished several heroic feats and saved America’s heartland from annihilation on more than one occasion. The group stopped a robbery at the Milwaukee Farmers & Merchants Building, rescued St. Louis from an extraterrestrial attack and halted tornadoes that tormented Ohio. Once they even saved Christmas for a suburb of Muskego, Wisc. They are also best suited to attempt to save Jacksonville State from an angry swarm of Yellow Jackets. Unfortunately (for them), I expect that they won’t succeed. Georgia Tech 56-10

Oregon vs. NebraskaArm-Fall-Off-Boy – Apparently his name wasn’t the top priority when coming up with this character. His super power was that he could detach his limbs and use them as blunt instruments. Yep. One of his least impressive moments was when he tried to join the Legion of Super Heroes for the second time. He panicked and literally fell apart during the tests. After nearly falling apart against Arkansas State, Nebraska feels like they may fully fall apart during this test. Oregon 38-24

TCU vs. Arkansas – Spider-Ham – That’s right, May Porker was attempting to revolutionize America’s hair-care industry by inventing a blow-dryer powered by atomic energy and it went horribly wrong and created Spider-Ham (a.k.a. Peter Porker). Spider-Ham and his cohorts the Fantastic Fur, Captain Americat, Iron Mouse and the Punfisher then proceeded to do all kinds of heroism on Larval Earth. Barring an appearance from Spider-Ham helping out his fellow pigs, the Horned Frogs should come out on top. TCU 38-24

South Carolina vs. Missouri Bouncing Boy – Chuck Taine was thirsty. He thought he grabbed a soft drink (or soda or pop or coke or soda pop…). It turns out it was an experimental super-plastic formula! After that, he could inflate himself like a ball and bounce all over. Amazing. Bouncing boy could conceivably be the ball they use in this game. Based on the defense from Mizzou last week, I think the ball is going to end up bouncing the Gamecocks direction. South Carolina +2.5

Honorable Mention:

  • Maggott – Maggott’s superpowers derive from his abnormal digestive system, which consists of two mutant, sentient slugs named Eany and Meany who live inside his body.
  • Red Bee – Red Bee has a swarm of trained bees stored in his belt to unleash on criminals at the ready.
  • Zeitgeist – His power enables him to spew acidic vomit from his mouth. (He discovered this when he puked on his girlfriend)
  • Rainbow Girl – Her power was the power to give herself huge, emotional mood swings.
  •  Infectious Lass – She had the ability to infect people with a variety of illnesses. She accidentally infected some heroes on more than one occasion.

The Guru’s Take

The Guru started the season with a win, but this week he has decided to use that leeway to make a completely irrational homer pick. Ohio State came to Norman last year and bludgeoned the Sooners. Oklahoma rebounded from the loss, though, and that was the last loss on the season for the team, leading to the nation’s longest current winning streak in FBS. This year, Baker Mayfield will lead the new-look Sooner offensive personnel into Columbus for some payback. It may seem unlikely, but the Guru foresees that it will be a day for an upset. Sooners 31, Buckeyes 27

James & the Swamettes

The official offspring of the Swami decided to pick a superhero they really like along with making their picks, so that’s what you get!

James “Jedi Spider-Man” – He’d love to see the Chiefs pull this one off, but doesn’t see it happening. Patriots over Chiefs 30-21

“Black Widow” Swamette – The oldest and wisest of the Swami’s crew says that the Dirty Birds will be a force to be reckoned with this season. Falcons over Bears 31-17

“Wonder Swamette” – The youngest used her lasso of truth to determine that the cheese heads will start off 1-0. Packers over Seahawks 24-17

Final Notes

Kudos to USC & Western Michigan for working out an opportunity to get USC’s blind long-snapper a chance to snap during a game. It ended up being a perfect snap and a perfect show that there are things more important that sports.

Everyone here at StM is praying for all of those recovering from Hurricane Harvey and for those in the path of Hurricane Irma.  Be safe everyone and be good to those around you.

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Categories: Football

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1 reply

  1. Lockjaw, aka the Drake U. Bulldog has somehow grabbed the Drake Men’s Basketball team and taken them to some unknown dimension. Hence, Amoney_Win, spawn of BuckeyeWill, shall never see his alma mater come close to winning a Missouri Valley conference title or invitation to the Big Dance(tm).

    Disney (as in Walt) made small movie about The Puppetmaster called Pinocchio.

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