Swami the Magazine: This Time It’s Gone Too Far

Greetings and welcome to another edition of Swami the Magazine! This week we give you a guarantee that the quality of the column will not be hampered by technical issues! [Editor’s Note: It’s likely to be hampered by bad picks, but I digress]. This week’s column is going to be a little more serious. There’s a societal issue that must be addressed and the Swami can be silent no longer. Our society loves to find something that is good and then overdoes it wildly. Today we must address the Pumpkin Spice abuse!

But before we get to that, one of the faithful StM readers [There are only 3, but I’m referring to Buckeye Will] sent some fun facts to pass along to amuse or aggravate die-hard college football fans! The good folks at Massey Ratings have a ranking system that ranks all colleges against each other, regardless of competition level. This leads to fun assertions like: The best college football team in Missouri is Northwest Missouri State and Fort Hayes State is better than the University of Kansas. You also get fun things like James Madison is better than both Tennessee and Nebraska. I’d highly encourage you to check it out if you have some time to spare.

Now it’s time to return to our national nightmare…unnecessary pumpkin/pumpkin spice products. You’ll see what I mean with each matchup. Let’s get to…

The Picks!

Oklahoma State v. Texas – Pumpkin Spice Protein Powder – There wasn’t a product that wouldn’t be fitting for a game between pumpkin spice colored teams. Oklahoma State 34-31

Protein

Alabama v. Tennessee – Harvest Pumpkin Tortilla chips – Pumpkin chips are probably as good with salsa as Tennessee has been at football this year. Alabama 48-14Tortilla

Michigan State v. Indiana – Pumpkin Spice Milanos – That’s just not a Milano. And Indiana should stick to basketball. Michigan State 28-17

Milano

Oklahoma v. Kansas State – Pumpkin Spice Sweet Burrito – I don’t even know what this is, much less why someone felt it necessary to make. On the flip side, this game should be good. With Oklahoma’s recent struggles, they seem primed for an upset, but the Swami thinks they will redeem themselves this week. Oklahoma 24-17

Burrito

Penn State v. Michigan – Pumpkin Spice Garbonzo Beans – ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I don’t even know what to say. Penn State 30-24Garbonzo

USC v. Notre Dame – Pumpkin Spice Fettucini – What sauce are you going to put on that?! USC 34-33Fettucini

Iowa State v. Texas Tech – Pumpkin Pie Spice Pringles – I have a feeling that once you pop, you CAN stop. Iowa State (+7)Pringles

Georgia Tech v.  Wake Forest – Pumpkin Spice Soap & Body Wash – Someone please explain to me how there is a “season” for this?! Georgia Tech 31-17

Louisville v. FSU – Pumpkin Spice Greek Yogurt – EVERYONE has a version of this. The Greeks are claiming a violation of the Geneva Convention. Louisville (+6.5)

The Guru’s Take

In the Guru’s estimation, this week’s top game will be played in South Bend, with both USC and Notre Dame looking to stay alive in the race for the playoff. If Brandon Wimbush was still injured, the Trojans would likely be strong favorites, but it looks like the Domers will have their field general back this week. He may not equal Sam Darnold as an NFL prospect, but he’s pretty darn good. And the Irish have their most complete team in quite a few years. The Pac-12’s woes will continue this week, despite Darnold nearly pulling out the win in the last minute. Irish eyes will be smiling as Notre Dame will re-enter the top 10. Fighting Irish 34, Trojans 30

James & the Swamettes

James and the Swamettes decided that while there are a lot of Pumpkin Spice products, there are a few that nobody makes that would be good ideas. So they each picked one to pitch to you. Shark Tank, here they come!

Falcons v. Patriots – Pumpkin Spice Slime – Swamette L says that it’s fun and it smells better than most slime! What’s not to love! – Patriots 33-30

Vikings v. Ravens – Pumpkin Spice Books – Swamette A would read Percy Jackson and the Pumpkin Spice Thief in a heartbeat! – Vikings 24-17

Bengals v. Steelers – Pumpkin Spice Legos – James is convinced that all Legos are good so there’s no reason that you shouldn’t pumpkin spice them. Steelers 18-12

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Categories: Football

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1 reply

  1. Why yes, NWMSU is better the ole’ Mizzou. Let’s count the walnut trophies shall we?

    NWMSU – 6
    James Madison – 2
    Tennessee – 1 (Bless Tee Martin for doing what Peyton Manning could not).
    Missouri – 0 (and zero SEC titles).

    The MIAA welcomes relegated University of Kansas. Again.

    And I’ll just leave this little link here: https://nypdecider.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/dune-pumpkin-spice.gif?w=618&h=258

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