Swami the Magazine: Superlatives

Welcome to another edition of Swami the Magazine! Last week was a refreshing opportunity for the Swami to let the Guru experience the agony of defeat, and now he’s refreshed and ready to take back the helm of the Good Ship Prognostication. Unfortunately, this week’s slate of games is not superlative. That being said, the StM staff thought that a Senior Superlative type of theme (with apologies to Yearbook committees everywhere and Jimmy Fallon) would be perfect for this week. So that is what you will get this week! They are giddy to share their ideas, so we shall not belabor the point any further… let’s get to:

The Picks!

Penn St. v. Nebraska – Most Likely to Violate FCC or Constitutional Regulations Regarding Public Executions or Cruel & Unusual Punishment – It’s a long one, but this game does fit perfectly. Holy cow is it going to be ugly. Husker fans… go see Justice League or something. It may not be great, but compared to this it’ll look like a masterpiece. Penn State 49-10

Michigan v. Wisconsin – Best Use of Khaki – Jim Harbaugh is one with the khaki. Wisconsin is one with the easy schedule. They’ve barely been tested in their undefeated run. The Swami thinks Michigan will at least test them and keep it to a touchdown or less. Michigan +7.5

Oklahoma St. vs. Kansas State – Best 80’s Revival Tour – The Tour of the Mullet has been a hit. Between the free publicity and t-shirt sales, it’s been worth millions to the folks in Stillwater. And to think, it started as a way to annoy Coach Gundy’s kids…and Bill Snyder. The annoyance continues with this game. Okie State 48-38

USC v. UCLA – Most Likely to Fail to Take the Spotlight Off Your Basketball Team – As desperately as the administration at UCLA would love a win over USC to take the focus off the petty thieves on the basketball team, The Swami doesn’t foresee this one going in favor of the Bruins. So Cal 35-20

Stanford v. California – Most Likely to be Tolkien’s Favorite School – Let’s think about it… Stanford has a tree with eyes and a mouth as a mascot. There is no way that they wouldn’t have been the author of Middle Earth’s favorite school (that plays American football… sorry Oxford). Stanford 24-17

TCU v. Texas Tech – Most Likely to Use Prince’s Symbol on their Helmet – TCU has rocked the purple with great success, but to make the College Football Playoff they need to spice things up. They’ve been open to alternate uniforms and helmets in the past, so they should go one next step and pay homage to the patron saint of purple and put Prince’s former identity on their helmet. TCU 44-41

Georgia Tech v. Duke – Most Likely to Settle Overtime by Academic Decathlon Rules – It’s true and man, the categories would really be the x-factor. I’d watch. Unfortunately for the hellions in blue, they won’t make it to OT. Georgia Tech 34-17

Northwestern v. Minnesota – Most Likely to Petition the B1G to Play Nebraska Every Week – For an injury plagued team with 1 win in conference and 1 game under .500, the Gophers sure looked like a world beater against the Huskers. In a shrewd move, the coaches are hoping that they can play a conference foe each week…just the same conference foe. At least Mike Riley does a good job of helping OTHER coaches keep their jobs. Northwestern 33-21

Oklahoma v. Kansas – Most Likely to be Over After the First Quarter – The best news for Jayhawks fans is that basketball season has started and only 8 fans will have to suffer through watching this game. Now 40,000 OU fans may drive to Lawrence, but only 8 KU fans. Oklahoma is going to drum the Jayhawks off the field like Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith playing with the KU Pep Band. Oklahoma +37

Florida Atlantic v. Florida International – Most Likely to Feature Schools That Each Have More Wins Than Florida and Florida State Combined – Yep, you read that right. And If this was Central Florida vs. South Florida it would be even worse! It’s an amazing year for football in Florida… just not for two of the three biggest names. The King of Self-Promotion Lane Kiffin’s squad will pull this one out. FAU 33-27

The Guru’s Take

After the craziness that was last week (where the Guru flipped the script, spilled coffee on it, and then burned it to a crisp, apparently), this week…has less potential to upend the playoff picture. That’s a nice way to put it. So the Guru will pick based upon his desire to see a Bedlam rematch in the Big XII championship game. For that to happen, TCU has to lose another game. The Horned Frogs are on the road this week against the Red Raiders, Lubbock can be a tough place to play, and TCU just had its playoff dreams destroyed. In the biggest upset of the week, the Tech offense will overcome the TCU defense at the end and the Guru will get his Bedlam rematch (even though a TCU rematch would be easier for the Sooners). Red Raiders 31, Horned Toads 30

James & the Swamettes

For the Official Offspring of the Swami, Last Jedi Fever is getting stronger and it doesn’t show any signs of waning. So this week they want to give you a Porg with every pick. In fact, that’s their campaign slogan for the 2020 election. “A Porg in Every House”.

Chiefs v. Giants – James is feeling bullish about the Chiefs coming off a bye against a team that struggles to win. He’s all in on this one giving the Chiefs a 4 ½ out of 5 Lightsaber chance to win. Kansas City 31-17

Eagles v. Cowboys – The elder Swamette is pretty sure that if the Falcons lit up the Cowboys last week, the fighting Wentzes should be able to do likewise. She’s giving the Eagles a 4 out of 5 Blaster chance to win. Philadelphia 34-14

Falcons v. Seahawks – The youngest Swamette thinks she’s going to need to give The Swami a hug after this one. She’s only giving the boys in black a 1 out of 5 Crossbow chance to win. Seattle 28-20

Until next time… The Swami!!!


Categories: Football

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